Backing up, it was a long summer for a lot of reasons, but most notably I suffered a miscarriage when I was 10 weeks pregnant while on our three week Midwest Tour. It was a pretty jarring experience, and honestly one I never ever thought I'd go through. I don't know why - for some reason I just thought it wasn't going to happen to me. I think I was in shock for a long time, and while I never really got depressed about it, there was obviously some sadness. It was made harder by the fact that I wasn't in AZ, had no access to my doctor, and Brad wasn't with me (although he was able to fly back to Wichita for a few days to help me through the actual process as I had it naturally).
I do truly think I was able to keep pretty good perspective - that it happened for a reason and it just wasn't meant to be - but I was just so ready to be home in my space in my own life. I don't think I was really able to reflect on what happened until I was.
Not everyone feels the same when they go through this (and I have talked to LOTS of people who have gone through this), but for me I knew the only thing that was going to make it better was to get pregnant again. It was almost like I needed that to prove I wasn't broken, or something. I know having Ellie here proves that, but once a miscarriage happens, you just start to question your body and how it's working for you. So we started trying again after a month, which was the wait time my doctor recommended.
We were VERY lucky that it happened VERY quickly and after a miscarriage in July, I got a positive on a pregnancy test in September. We were extremely cautious about telling people this time around, and our doctor was very cautious, too. While most patients go in for their first exam at 8 weeks, my doctor wanted to see me for a sonogram at 6 weeks, again at 8 weeks, and wasn't going to do my first exam until 10 weeks, just to make sure things were going okay. We went in at 6 weeks, only to find out that I was actually 8 and a half weeks pregnant! The timing is a complete mystery to us, but we couldn't question it and just had to have faith that this babe was meant to be.
I went back in the following week, and then had my first exam at 10 to find a healthy baby in my tummy.
We did the genetic testing again this pregnancy which also detects gender, and Brad surprised me on my birthday with the reveal...that we were having another GIRL! I was totally fine with either, but I am beyond excited for Ellie to grow up with a sister - something I never had but always wished I did.
Everything has been pretty smooth - no morning sickness (again), and other than extreme exhaustion in the first trimester, I've felt great. We continue to count our blessings every day and continue to pray for the little girl growing bigger by the day.
I will say, once you have a miscarriage it's like the mystery and wonder of pregnancy completely disappears. You wonder all the time if that box you just picked up, or that funny twinge in your side, or the random ache in your back means the worst. You look for blood every time you go the bathroom. It feels a little like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thankfully I have a husband who tries very hard to keep me grounded and I have a crazy 23 month old to keep me very occupied.
We've been taking "bump" pictures along the way, so I'll post them and will continue to do so as this pregnancy progresses!
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